Troubleshooting Beer
PROBLEM	CAUSE	SOLUTION
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get another beer.
Beer dry and tasteless, shirt wet.	Mouth not open, or glass directed at wrong part of face.	Go to rest room. Practice in mirror.
Feet cold and wet.	Glass held at incorrect angle.	Re-orient angle of glass so that opening is on top.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to dog, mutter about housebreaking. Get another beer.
People appear blurry and distorted.	Glass empty, looking through bottom.	Get another beer.
Opposite wall covered with lights, floor absent.	Fallen over backwards.	Tie yourself to bar. Get another beer.
Cigarette butts in mouth, people not visible.	Fallen over forward.	Tie yourself to bar. Get another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Ensure you are taken to another bar.
Room is dark, music does not play.	Bar is closed.	Ask bartender where you live.